Reward System

"I'm so sad. I'm going to eat everything in my fridge. It'll, somehow, make me feel better."

"Great job on your report card! Let's go for ice cream!"

"Man, it sounds like you had a rough day. Here, have a treat."

When did it become the norm to stuff our faces when we had feelings?

Yea.. Yea, I did.

Last week was spent potty-training my twin 3 year-old boys. We started off using a sticker reward system. It was hit-and-miss, literally. Daddy came home and we talked over what might be missing. Turns out it was M&M's.

I wasn't keen on the candy idea, but it worked. And, admittedly, we had a celebratory "birthday cake" to commemorate their pertinent advancement in life skills. We had fallen pray to the continuation that: "Food will aid in your life. Whether it's to aid in joy, or somewhere else along the spectrum of emotions, 'food will help.'"

When I would come home from school, starting somewhere in my elementary years, I would grab a bowl of ice cream. Sometimes even indulging in a second helping. I didn't see anything wrong with this food choice. I had earned it! School and life was stressful!

Even now, after over a year in my weight-loss journey, I'm desperately trying to alter my perspective on food. I continue to have this crazy thought-process. I keep thinking/ telling myself, "Food will make the stress go away. This will make the pain stop." Then I emerge out of my food coma, stomach hurting, regretting my decision on that a third bag of popcorn. 

You probably think I'm kidding about that third bag. Sadly, I'm not. 

I've come to realize that I'm an addict. A food addict. And I know I'm not alone.

COR Retreat, a non-profit food addiction treatment program in Minnesota, released today that 78 million of us adults, in the US, are considered obese. You can see what they had to say here and here.

I notice that most of my addiction is based on the flawed food-based reward system. 

"If I can get through my chores, I can sit and watch TV with a bowl of chips and nacho dip."

"Man, today sucks hardcore. Where's that bag of holiday candy?"

But, more than that cheeseburger, I could really use a hug, Dwight.

So, now that we've revealed the problem, what's the solution?

Well, I'm not a fitness consultant, therapist, fortune-teller, or any other profession that might have a better clue but here's what I've got:

With trying to alter my perceptions of food, last year we started house rules of:

Finishing your dinner does not necessarily mean desert will be served.

A piece or two of candy does serve as a desert. No need for a Gwen's-childhood-like heaping bowl of ice cream required.

From rewards to condolences, they do not need to be in food-form. Hugs, high-fives, and kisses work great.

These rules aren't 100% ironclad (as illustrated by the M&M's). Maybe they should be. But, admittedly, they're not.

I'd also like to say that we adapted to looking at serving-size and the motto of "everything in moderation". That, too, isn't always perfect.

For me, just being aware of why you're giving "Little Billy" that double-scoop of Rocky Road is the first step in getting onto the road to wellness. Whether "Billy" is you or your kid, it helps. What's nice about this wellness is that it serves emotionally, mentally, and physically; much like Neapolitan ice cream! How 'bout that?! You're still getting rewarded by a resemblance to food! Score!!

Honesty

As much as I'm excited to start on this new adventure of blogging, fear starts to grasp at my stomach. What if I say something "wrong"? What if I reveal too much? What if people don't like the love I have for Rainbow Brite? Or any other loved 80's cartoon hero? What if..?!

Why do I fear? Lack of trust.

I'm a very honest person. "To a fault," as the saying, and my husband, goes. And it's true (Ha! More honesty!).

However, with honesty, it seems it's hard for people to understand. Though we ask for it, when it's given to us, it makes us uncomfortable and scared, when it's beyond our comfort zone. Think of the last time someone told you a really deep secret. How did you take to it? Was your response based on your own views? Ofcorse it was!
Example: "Dear friend, I'm gay."
Your response to this based on your feelings towards homosexuality.
Example: "Dear friend, I have sinned."
Your response is based on your religious views.
And example 3: "Dear friend, I love goats."
Your response is based on how kinky your friend is and/or your ability to take a joke.

I may not say the right things, but I will always try my best to convey my integrity. And if all else fails, if there's ever doubt, Ask or "watch my feet."

Twisted Teachings

"Love Thy Neighbor"
"..We're a happy family."

"Home Diversity Equity and Inclusion"

From the "good book" to a purple dinosaur, we teach our children to love and respect our fellow inhabitants of Earth (heck, even extending a hand to ET). However, at some point that goes away. Don't believe me? Let's look at what we're allowing to happen in our US government. Let's look at how we regard that homeless person as we drive by. How many times have you served at a soup kitchen? Or literally given the shirt off your back to someone? When was the last time you asked someone how they're doing and really cared about their answer? Have you given a hug today? Was that hug to a human or animal or some other sentient being?

Admittedly, I haven't done all those things. I'm not a saint, nor will I ever claim to be. I'm human and I mess up. I've been known to be a hypocrite, at times, though I REALLY try not to. One of my heartfelt wishes is to be a Care Bear, but some people just really, really, truly bother me (no amount of "staring" will help some people). From my lineage, upbringing, and even after years of therapy, I have "the Irish temper". I am a fallible human.

Did you cringe at any of my honest statements? It's ok if you did. I don't blame you. It's part of our programming.

At some point in our lives we stop seeing the cup half full. We may even stop caring whether the cup is full or not because, well darn it, thirst calls.

Every school that I've been in and the schools that my children are enrolled in all strive for inclusion, acceptance, and understanding. Parents clamor for "no bully tolerance" and school faculty make sure everyone is playing nice. Then, somewhere around high school, things change. What was once a loving, forgiving place, now turns into the Twilight Zone. Jobs are gained by one-upmanship and [possibly] lying; it becomes an acceptable dog-eat-dog world. Once you become "an adult," the gloves come off.


I don't know about you, but that bothers me. Why do we ask from our children what we don't do ourselves? How can we make rules about "how the world works" and then change them 180? No wonder high schoolers are confused, beyond their normal age-appropriate confusion! What type of society are we truly constructing? Who are we going to blame for the state of our current social issues? But, most importantly - What are we going to do about it?


For me, at this moment, I'm going to continue to let my kids rock out to Jim Henson puppets and other "goody two-shoes" programming, let them imagine and dream, encourage them to be any occupation of their choosing, instill manners, teach the concept of consequence, and cuddle them (at least once) everyday. I don't know what next week brings, but today I will honestly ask them how they feel and listen to what they have to say; I don't have to agree, nor make them feel an emotion of my choosing. They are unique and wonderful little people who deserve a world where they can grow up and still get an honest cuddle for just being; because I know I like cuddles too.